Daily I ask myself what part of me do I choose to follow, my heart or my mind. I fight everyday with both. My heart wants to go on field trips to a matinee, laugh audibly in a quarter full theater at the most inappropriate silent moments, and stuff myself with cupcakes and ice cream. The other half says to do the right thing, focus, and stop staring into the blurry edges of life.
At this moment in our relationship, there was nothing more I wanted than to go to school. I studied hard for everything and anything that the world wanted to throw at me. I wanted to go to school that would cost me approximately ten thousand dollars a year and a two hour drive a day, I wanted a house that would cost me five thousand dollars in a down payment and any additional monthly cost, therefore I needed a better position and more summer jobs.
Neto watched me daily dive into my college books and my pharmacy books. He would yell out brand drug names to me. Sometimes I yelled back generic names and sometimes I cried. My schedule just got harder and harder and booking alone time with me became impossible with piles of books, flashcards, and two jobs.
In the summers, “our” schedules looked like this:
4:00 am Wake up
5:00 am Be at work
1:00 pm Off of work
2:00 pm At other job
10:30 pm Off of work
11:00 pm study, eat dinner
1:00 am bedtime
Through the anguish, the tears, and the rage, he encouraged me. I questioned my hard work. I questioned why others get life handed to them. I questioned why me. He encouraged me and took the negative attitude and turned it into love.
I became the most out of date twenty two year old. I wanted to stay up late but not with my books.
I sacrificed everything for what I wanted. At some point in time, I had to take responsibility for my own destiny. My point came earlier than most.
For every moment he walked away, I picked up a book. For any moment he encouraged fun, I declined. For every moment he brought me lunch, made me late night dinners, and gave me encouraging kisses, I later embraced and thank him for being apart of my dreams.
Yesterday, I began to question, “what is my purpose?” My daily task are mundane. I wake up, I work out, research how to be a better photographer, practice shooting, I come to the office, answer phones, go home, make dinner, clean my house, take Frank for a walk, watch an hour of television until someone gets home, shower, read a book, and go to bed. My day is very simple and to the point. I use to complain about how busy I was, but once you get rid of all the insignificant things in your life, life does become less stressful and less busy. This is what I have been fighting for, simplicity. Then, I began comparing myself to others. Once I start doing that, it makes me ungrateful for what I have, but I am not going to let someone else determine my happiness. God has a purpose for everyone, and my purpose is far different than what people think my life should be.
I took Frankie on a walk today. On our walk, I had time to reflect upon my life. About a week ago, I thought, I am going in so many directions; I have to choose one. At first, I thought I had to go on a mission trip, help people, and explore the world with my camera, but there is so much work to do in my own community, so I decided to start here. Right now, I am in a good spot; I have a loving man, my best friend is minutes away, great friends, and my family. I just have to focus on my dreams and stop listening to the people who are not in it for me.
There is no amount of monetary value that could buy my happiness or make me trade in my dreams. I am fighting against all the odds, the toxic people, the nay sayers, the non-believers, and the dream crushers.
To longer walks and exploring our dreams.
I look at life much like a CFO of a company would…charts, schedules, and financial statements. I’ve always wanted to be the dreamer and not the thinker of my life, but there I go pulling out the yellow office depot notepad calling for some serious business and thinking. If our heart does not push us to go after our dreams, then who will. Inspiration, motivation, perseverance, belief, curiosity…all driven by the love for my dreams. Is love enough? To drive us to what our heart desires. Logic only equals non-belief and fear.
Here’s to making dreams reality.
This Christmas, we spent most of our evening into the early morning at the hospital at my mom’s bedside. I saw the value of my family, together huddled up around my mom comforting and loving her. That day was the fourth day in my life I saw her at her least best, hunched over into her hospital Kleenex.
I began to look around me at all the beautiful things man makes and provides to the world. All the finer things in life can be bought but love and humility never.
One day I want to grow up to be half the woman my mom is. We learned to value each other and live for experiences and in the moment because of the values she taught us. Somewhere along the way we forgot that all the materialistic things can never replace memories, experiences, and moments. She taught us to live in the moment for each other.
The past year I have been struggling with questions and thoughts that no one can really answer but myself. I’ve kicked myself in the head several times for not asking the right questions, so my New Year’s resolution is coming at you kind of early.
Second chances mean I have to work harder to conquer my dreams, like making better decisions, prioritizing, knowing who’s in it for the long ride, whether it’s in the limo, my old hooptie, or the long walk. Please be aware. Long walks mean extra high heels.
Today, I start living in the moment (in the healthiest way.) To be happier means making wiser decisions.
Sometimes there are second chances.